Today I'm writing my first post of 2018. It's weird that it came this late, but oh wells.
I wish I could bring great news - news such as that I'm a super reformed lady destined for heaven or something insane along those lines, but unfortunately life hasn't been the greatest for me. It's usually an exaggeration on my part when I say my life sucks, but for once, I think I'm on the brink of utter despair and total desperation (Google tells me that both those words mean the same thing but I feel they portray different feelings...).
The second half of this first semester has been full of trials and tribulations that I could never imagine facing. I questioned everything - my dream, the people around me, my past and, heartbreakingly, myself. I couldn't let out a sigh without it turning into a full sobbing fest. I couldn't let my guard down if I didn't want to risk breaking into tears. I couldn't speak to people about my situation without becoming a burden.
Being a particularly smart kid didn't help me to be honest. I know I'm not crazy smart, but I was always smart enough to pull myself out of a whirlpool of failure. So to be pushed into the whirlpool with my feet tied onto freaking heavy boulders, I was drowning. Just barely breathing, holding onto hope. Hope from the rays of the sun that shone on the surface of the water. Some people threw sturdy ropes for me to grab onto, and to be honest, they help me bobbed on the surface with their assistance. Not enough to completely bring me back into the safe land, but somehow kindly allowing me to stay alive in the harsh waters.
They gave me their listening ears, provided me with kind words and assured me with their solid confidence about the future, even if the present decides to betray me. I'll calm in their presence, but these people had other lives to go back to, so they leave me to swim alone for a bit and I find myself crushed by my own thoughts all over again.
No matter what happened, the real battle was within me. It was a cruel fate. The world destroyed me from the inside and left me to sew my torn soul back together. HOW IS THAT FAIR was what I screamed to myself in the inside, when I wasn't whining about how useless I was.
Anger sadness Anger sadness Anger sadness wash rinse repeat
Funnily enough, I found the biggest comfort in the murky waters, like some sort of friendly fish (ugh I'm still going on with my whirlpool metaphor excuse you).
A stroke patient, who was hospitalized and receiving treatment from allied health professionals, told me that he was lucky. He was lucky to be alive. He could have died from his stroke, but he didn't. He could've been bedridden, like others in his ward, but he wasn't. He got half the strength in one side of his body, and that was such a blessing for him. He could have ended up unable to speak, but he still can. He's extremely lucky and he will never forget that.
His words popped this little awful bubble I was apparently stuck in and made me look at the world - at my life - in a different way. Family and friends have also helped me shift my focus too. Yeah okay. So I'm not doing well. Sure. Every supervisor is against me passing. Alright. But my family, friends and uni believes in me. Great. I might lose my dream. My scholarship. And whatever privilege I currently have. Uhuh. People back at home would talk about me. Ask unending questions about what went wrong and why I couldn't do it. They'd probably make up something in their minds to justify my failure. Mesti ia malas tu, I hear them say in my head. Ia tu inda pandai tanya orang minta tolong, they whisper to each other, as if they had any clue about how much effort I put into improving myself (uh f*** tons!). So that would happen. But so what?
In the end, I'm the one living my life. I have my health, my strength, my mind, my family, my friends. I need to keep it together! I'm not truly debilitated yet. I can do this. I'm lucky with what I have. I will lose a lot, but I can still move forward. Look at the brightside.
The One & Only has laid the path for me, and it might bring me to the darkest tunnel that I've encountered in my life, but I will trust the One & Only.
I never realized how attached I was to my dunia dream that I completely forgot about the end point of my life. The source of my problems are because I'm chasing things in this world, which is such a short-sighted goal for a Muslim.
It sounds simple but it's really not. It's still this continuous battle to shift away from my wordly focus to the afterline, to become a better Muslim, but I'm getting there. It's a windy road uphill so one step at a time for me. My emotions are a bit volatile right now so please understand if I ignore you at times, my dear friends. I'm trying to combat the evil and the negative in me and it's such a never ending exhausting fight.
I'm a big fan of happy endings, but sorry to disappoint, my story hasn't ended and I haven't got anything truly happy to share!
So yeah guys.
TL;DR world went against me, so I decided to let go of the world.
Ketahuilah bahawa (yang dikatakan) kehidupan dunia itu tidak lain hanyalah (bawaan hidup yang berupa semata-mata) permainan dan hiburan (yang melalaikan) serta perhiasan (yang mengurang), juga (bawaan hidup yang bertujuan) bermegah-megah di antara kamu (dengan kelebihan, kekuatan, dan bangsa keturunan) serta berlumba-lumba membanyakkan harta benda dan anak pinak; (semuanya itu terhad waktunya) samalah seperti hujan yang (menumbuhkan tanaman yang menghijau subur) menjadikan penanamnya suka dan tertarik hati kepada kesuburannya, kemudian tanaman itu bergerak segar (ke suatu masa yang tertentu), selepas itu engkau melihatnya berupa kuning; akhirnya ia menjadi hancur bersepai; dan (hendaklah diketahui lagi, bahawa) di akhirat ada azab yang berat (di sediakan bagi golongan yang hanya mengutamakan kehidupan dunia itu), dan (ada pula) keampunan besar serta keredaan dari Allah (disediakan bagi orang-orang yang mengutamakan akhirat). Dan (ingatlah, bahawa) kehidupan dunia ini tidak lain hanyalah kesenangan bagi orang-orang yang terpedaya. (Al-Hadiid 57:20)
(Tetapi kebanyakkan kamu tidak melakukan yang demikian), bahkan kamu utamakan kehidupan dunia;
Padahal kehidupan akhirat lebih baik dan lebih kekal. (Al-A'laa 87:-16-17)
Sesungguhnya orang-orang (yang menentangmu) itu sentiasa mencintai (kesenangan dan kemewahan dunia) yang cepat habisnya, serta mereka membelakangkan (tidak menghiraukan bekalan) untuk hari akhirat yang amat berat (penderitaannya kepada orang-orang yang tidak bertaqwa). (Al-Insaan 76:27)
Sesiapa yang menghendaki (kesenangan hidup) dunia, Kami akan segerakan kepadanya dalam dunia apa yang Kami kehendaki, bagi sesiapa yang Kami kehendaki; kemudian Kami sediakan baginya neraka Jahannam (di akhirat kelak), untuk membakarnya dalam keadaan yang hina lagi tersingkir dari rahmat Allah (Al-Israa' 17:18)
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